Completely Missed My Mark...

So this was a very disappointing day. What basically happened, was that...I lost.

(self-satisying ranting ahead)




I spent most of my time preoccupied with this, hours upon hours of reflection, researching, and reassurance. I thought I was ready. I spoke big, nothing that lacked self-confidence and pride. I thought I could handle anything or anyone, nothing can jog me out of place. I really was ready. Not only that, something else strengthened me. You were there. You were there to help me. You gave me those reassuring lines. You gave me insight and profound reason. You gave me your trust, something I long for. You gave me a base, something I could hold on to when the waves of emotion, over-thinking, and self-doubt came to drag me away. You, were just there. And that was more than enough.

The day came for myself to be tested. Against that big easy audience...a debate was at foot. I brought in my self-confidence and pride, characteristically eponymous for myself. Though, I talked to you with cheap ignoble humility, I am sure you felt in me that expectation to win. The entire day was to be capitalized by that event however, I fell short. They talked. I condescended. You talked, I compensated. I talked, I just felt elated. They won, I lost, you won. The decision of the arbiter was purely intelligent and reasonable. Their passion and ferocity won over my confidence and our content, something, when arbitrary, I vehemently believe in. Depression took over me, I felt bad, beaten, and bare. Ideal and actual permeated my consciousness and the final juxtapose showed no intersection at all. My stomach felt upturned and burning, though this was physical in nature, not eating for the whole day apparently causes this, however emotions tend to make this worse, a mind over matter sort of thing. I wanted to let all that frustration out, I did. I lost.

I talk big, I tend to do that a lot. I say I am going to do this, watch me, you will see. I noticed, through your assistance, whenever I do this and do not commit, I become depressed. I get angry, get washed away by those emotions. This is my fault, something I needed to work on. You acknowledged that, you helped me. You said I don't need to change, I appreciated it, though I really needed to. You respected my decision, you helped me change. You were always there cheering me on, giving me words, actions, feelings to prop me up and dust me off whenever I would fall down. I thank you. I could list down all the things you've done for me and that would be a LONG list. You will get annoyed at me for that...so I won't.

 Change, shift, and renovate. I think I've done all that, and continue to do so. I feel miles away from the person I was before you came along. I peaked, I am ready. All thanks to you. But I was derailed. By who? By myself.

Debating is a battle of pride and wit. You lay down your intelligence your pride as an intelligible and see how that casts out against other egos. However, after the battle, you reel it back in, intact, though beaten, intact.  Somehow, I lost my own self. I got lost among those other egos, butting heads and exchanging blows, eventually tangling myself, and being forced to cut myself loose. Why did I do that? I do not know. It was simple and meaningless but I let that derail me, because of my own pride.

I lost. In the heat of it all, I ended up forgetting what I have learned, what you have taught me, I betrayed your trust. The sad thing was I wanted to be with you, would've enjoyed to be in your presence. For you to encourage me, talk to me, strengthen me. But I felt too proud to need/want that. Everyone was wrong, I was right, god no one understands me. Fuck this day blah blah blah. HAHAHA I feel so embarrassed for thinking those things. Now, I feel like I can't face you anymore because I disappointed you, or also you for that matter, and of course you, and especially you. But you faced me, and I'm sure you would do the same, and you, and of course you, and most especially you. You would never be disappointed at me for being weak and because of that I thank you.

This was just a rant. I felt like letting things out. Forgive me for run-ons, cut-offs, under-exampled ideas, and seeming abuse of aliterations. Keeping these stuff in would just be detrimental to me, plus the histo paper I'm about to do. This was just a minor setback. I PROMISE YOU. I'm still on course, inside the track, walking the path. Certain events like these serve to humble you so as to straighten the way for you. Not exactly to turn you around. I feel very happy, disappointed at first, but now happy. That cheeseburger must have done it but I guess something else cheered me up, a mind over matter kind of thing. I am happy. Usually a blow to my pride was enough to make me keel over. I can't handle losing to him, to her, to anyone. But I did. Then I lost. But then I came back. Without those hours upon hours of preparation. Reflection, researching, reassurance. and you...I don't know. I don't want to think of what could have happened. I bet it's something horrid. Again, just letting things out. I couldn't sleep at all. I just was too excited to thank you the next day that I ended up writing on my blog instead hahaha 3:00 am? Fuck...I should have just waited.