I dream.

A wise man once said that dreams come from the past not from the future and that one should control their dreams not the other way around. But I'm sure, I am sure, there are times you just feel that you are lost in a dream, endlessly wandering, or pointlessly following, a victim, a player, a spectator to the machinations of the sleeping mind, as such I pose this question to this wise man--who then is the ruler of our dreams?

Seldom have I felt the pervasive quality of a dream, one that truly haunts your entire being as soon as you open your eyes. Sure I've had nightmares and metaphorical or literal manifestations of my desires, but all of them leave me with a slightly bitter aftertaste that slowly fades once reality supplants itself over the dream. What I'm talking about is a dream that bequeaths a rancor, you don't know to whom or why, you just feel it, as if your dream has made itself a reality, as if your mind has breathed life into it, as if you are still dreaming. Seldom have I felt this, though recently I did, it's not something I want to experience again.

Honesty

"I like you."

'I like you also..."

"Oh,"

"But...I'm not sure if I want a relationship right now."

"Oh..."

"Yup, I'm sorry. Could you wait until I know that I want a relationship?"

"Well honestly, if I'm going to wait...I'd rather wait for someone else."

Flustered.

If i get this anxious when I subtly ask her out...I might actually die of a heart-attack if ever I do confess to her.

I should be past this phase already.

Easy.

that was...unique. If there was one word to describe that day it would be "nostalgic". Not that, I don't usually spend my time reminiscing, i do quite often actually, it's just there something different this time around. Might be the air, the people, or the painfully sweet brownie. I don't know exactly. The only thing I do know was that there was something that clicked inside me.

Time capsules aren't the most innovative things, but I'm really thinking of investing on one.

Karaoke

Taken into context, it's not a bad thing. But when you start to pick it apart, it gets so depressing.You peel back all the layers and get down to the inside. But sometimes you lose sight of what you were trying to find. It's that sort of thing that makes you think too much. That sort of thing that makes you lose all your objectivity.

So, if you made it. Just be glad you did and stay there. If you ever feel loved and needed, consider yourself as one of the lucky ones. And if it is over, remember that it was bound to happen. So just keep moving on, there are no perfect endings.

Awkward.

"Yes or No, iinom ako" - Mario Narciso A. Marcelo 2012

Well, I can honestly say I have never felt so nervous as I am right now. To a point that I'm constrained to blogger to express my emotions, since she can see me in twitter and in facebook. Now, you might ask me why I'm posting online if I don't want other people to see. Well, to answer that, I don't really think anyone would read this. I just like to write to relieve my feelings. I write when I'm sad, depressed, or angry. I create my stories, little movies in my head, or heart-wrenching one-liners. However, as of right now, I'm writing for different purposes. I remember one close friend telling me that "sometimes we find that the meaning of writing is opposite of what we intend." As this is the case, where i don't write because of any ill torment or evil, rather I think i'm writing for something lighter. Anxiety. Well technically anxiety is something bad, but the way I look at it, it's something bitter-sweet. A marriage between hope and dread, a melding of expectation and renunciation, the being of one of happiness and regret. Sort of like asking someone out for the first time.........yup, exactly like that.

P.s.
My my, blogger has changed a lot. I am confused. hahaha

"Well, this is awkward."

Phone rings at 1:42 a.m.

I wake up and answer the phone.

"Is this RC Marcelo?"

"Yes. I'm sorry, who is this?" I say while trying to hear a reply from the other side; the song Moves like Jagger in the background.

"RC you are a very nice person. I think it's time you should be nice to yourself."

"Um, thank you. Can you please tell me your name?" I ask.

"My name is Ken."

"And how do I know you exactly?"

"Because you're a really nice person."

"Oh, okay."

"RC."

"Yes?"

"Remember what I told you." He replies ominously.

He hangs up the phone. I look at the clock. 1:45 a.m. I check to see if I'm still dreaming. I'm not. I lie down, unable to sleep.

~~~~

This is a true story. Honestly, it must sound self-indulgent to you, but I assure you that this really happened. An insightful and memorable anecdote I will carry in my life. Though, I must say, this does creep me out a bit. Whoever was responsible for this, I know had good intentions, but the delivery was too mysterious and enigmatic for my sensibilities. I'm very fond of Haruki Murakami stories, and this strange occurrence seemed like it would fit into one of them. A mysterious phone call, a distant yet very familiar caller, a curt ending, and an insightful message (See Wind-up Bird Chronicle). After going through that experience, I find myself unable to sleep. This random event bemuses me, and I find myself lost in thought. So I write to entice sleep, hopefully I'll reach that objective. I guess my thoughts can be saved for a later post, for now I write only to post a marker, or maybe even a will. That this proves my intuition, my precognition of what might happen to me in the near future, as I may end up like a protagonist in a Murakami story. I might see an elephant vanish, or maybe meet a previous love, or maybe get lost in greece, or maybe rob a McDonalds, or find the 100% perfect person, or eat some sharpie cakes, or maybe just end up waiting for something extraordinary to happen yet end up living an objectively normal life. Maybe I should just stop thinking too much about things. That seems about right. Goodnight then :)

Advice

"So don't worry about tomorrow, tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today's trouble is enough for today."

-From God to Tatang to me.

Thanks.

Post Script.

It was fun while it lasted. I just didn't like how this blog started to evolve into, so much so, that I decided to just end it. A blog is somewhere a person can say whatever they want, share whatever they feel, and dream whatever they want to dream. A blog becomes the very representation of the owner, and as of now, I don't like it one bit. I guess it's time to either wallow or to trudge on through. Time for another chapter, time to turn to the next page. There are times when trying to start anew means leaving things behind. I think I'll leave this blog with one of the most inspiring poems I have ever had the pleasure to be read to.

Full fathom five thy father lies;
Of his bones are coral made;
Those are pearls that were his eyes;
Nothing of him that does fade,
But doth suffer a sea-change
Into something rich and strange.
Sea-nymphs hourly ring his knell:
Ding-dong,
Hark! Now I hear them – Ding-dong, bell.

A song from William Shakespeare's "The Tempest". An enigmatic yet moving piece that glorifies the joys of things past, only because those times are to remain absolutely in the past.


I guess a blog per year would be a just compensation, though it troubles me that I have to think of another witty title every year.

If any of you want to still follow me, head on over to Zensai, a lifestyle blog, I guess, something with a much happier and relieving tone than this blog, and also to the fictional In The Sun.

God bless and Goodbye.

Just By Living.

I feel so light right now. However, It's not because of the absence of problems. It's just that I know now how to solve them. It takes a lot off of your shoulder. It takes a simple conversation from a friend, a browse through past memories, and an unexpected catalyst, to achieve an understanding you've been longing for weeks now. The world is truly an amazing place, when you do nothing yet achieve everything.

I promised to be honest in this blog when I first made this, but please bear with me now for my vagueness, there are things you just have to keep. There's a fine fine line between honesty and tactlessness.

A friend of mine was relating a realization. His realization caught me, and somehow, everything just became clear. Weeks upon weeks of feeling lost, a torrent of emotions just furiously beating within myself, a simple thought is enough to reverberate in myself to make everything calm again. It's funny how something normal led to this. Well it's not normal in a sense, his way of writing is very good, and also his choice in music :D. the thing is though, it's normal how people just tend to look for answers themselves. The miraculous part is how something as self-reflection actually helps the people around you. I guess human beings really are relational beings.

The answer, though clear, is going to be hard. As you say, nobody said it was easy. Well, I'm sure, I would be able to make it. If I can't by myself, I have my friends to help me halfway.

I read my first post and I found some mistakes I would like to correct, just before I sign off. I wouldn't want to leave my blog with untreated wounds. Though I really wouldn't care to proof-read

The Year 2010 in Music.

Before I acknowledge that 2010 has already finished, I still catch myself writing down the date as Jan 2010, I'd like to look back at this year. A lot of things happened, up ups and down downs, I remember calling those days fleeting, but when I look at the year as a whole, the events that happened seem to oppose that. Anyway, I figured I wanted to summarize my year, and what better way, and definitely easier, to do it with songs! I love music, and I make it a part of my everyday life. I'm sure at least one of you has seen me suddenly bursting out, quite irritatingly, into song. I have this weird habit of trying to match songs into my life, and most often they do. I also have this annoying habit when I get stuck onto a song for a LONG time. I'm sure I've pissed of people by playing the same goddamn song over and over again. So this is my collection, per month, of songs, songs that get stuck in my head, songs that move my heart, songs that describe, who, what, where, how of my life in 2010. I don't expect you to listen to all, though it would be a treat if you do, I fancy myself as having an ear for music, but at least listen to some, especially those that you have never listened to. I hope some of these songs pop into your 2011.

Restart...

Before I start, let me just say... WELCOME STEVEN MARTIN!!!! :D Can't wait to read posts from you. So at least I can be updated of your life hahaha. Kailan ka babalik? Oh yeah, thanks for following me, now I have more followers than my friends >:))

Anyway, yesterday was an interesting day. You know how people say that you should wear black when you're trying to project a slim figure, well, yesterday I wore black. Problem was that Karms noticed something under my black shirt. After much teasing from Karms, I told her how much I didn't during the break with being sick, sneezing, phlegming, and migraine-ing the whole entire time. Then Karms pointed out that despite all that I maintained a steady intake of alcohol. She then proceeds to lecture me about the ill-effects of alcohol, to not only the brain but also the body. Suffice to say, she called me a Drunked Fat Bastard...okay fine, she didn't call me a bastard. Anywhoo, I came up with three sure-fire ways to get skinny again (emphasis on again): 1. Start Smoking 2. Take Drugs 3. Jog. As I am broke, I am reluctantly choosing the third choice, and now I am restartign butterfly training!!! Though I hope I follow through, so that I can actually finish something in my life. Peace.

Zensai

If the appetizers are this good, I'm sure the main course would be magnificent...

Play it again, Sam

"All the fundamental things apply, as time goes by..."

~~~~

"It's an Anniversary."

"An Anniversary?"

"Yes, an Anniversary!"

"An Anniversary for what?"

"The Anniversary for my birth day!"

"Isn't that a birthday?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"A birthday is simply the day of your birth."

"And that's not special, Mr. obvious?"

"An anniversary is a celebration. The Anniversary of my birth day is the celebration of the gift of life given to me on that day."

"Do you always have to be this rhetoric?"

"It's my birthday."

"Fair enough."

"Much more than fair, my friend."

"So...are you going to make a wish?"

"What for?"

"Because it's a Birthday wish...I'm sorry, Anniversary wish."

"..."

"Whatever, I'm making one. You should too..."

"Fine."

Well, this is proof I have no desire to finish my LS paper...

Well things are going forward...to early to tell if its going well or bad though.

I miss class.

I've changed :|. earlier today, when I cut my classes to do my OVERDUE script, I felt something new...I felt regret. I actually felt bad for cutting class. WOW. That's seriously new for me. Before I was about to cut my last class LS, I ran into Bech and Arlo in Mateo Down. At first, they were entertaining, then they started getting weirder and weirder by the minute, until we reached a point when someone said "Ein Fackt Bunnies", suffice to say, it was stupid. I finished 3 sentences in 30 minutes with those two, and I decided I would definitely cut my LS. As we were walking out of Mateo, I told them I was cutting and the two promptly told me not to. Through some poking and prodding, I decided I was going to class. Then one of them said "Yah it's much better to go to class, it's just an org thing, not important." When I heard that, a fire in me ignited, I politely said fuck this and left, to go to the cafeteria where I spent my time doing the script. I finished one paragraph in 2 hours.

Total Script Progress: 83%

I promise that I'll finish it by tomorrow. :D. Rest assured I am definitely failing our Bio Quiz.

Moral of The Story: I'm sorry school but I love my stories more than you. As much as I'm improving in studies and shit, I'd still pick what I love over you. I feel bad for my patients in 10 years where I have to leave the surgery room to go to my casting calls.

P.S.

Enjoy Merengue Dog.

I'm naming my malamute Wolfe...don't forget the 'e'

I have to stop being emo. These past posts have been howls at the moon. A paradoxical, an oxymoronic, and ironic shout by a lonesome figure hoping to be heard by wanderers or passersby. Lone wolves are quite disordered. Well actually, I can't stop being emotional since emotions are what makes us humans. There is no one who is completely devoid of emotion, the only difference that people have from each other is how much of that emotion they are willing to share others. It's a decision, a conscientious one, made by a person. Those people who are willing to share more are thought to be emo. There's nothing wrong with that. Though there's something wrong when you yourself don't believe in the decision you've made and then act unsuitably. It's not right, it's sort of cheating.

Petty...

Women are never disarmed by compliments; men always are.  ~Oscar Wilde

...or lack thereof. I'm kicking a puppy.

I'm thinking of going to seattle...

"A ruffled mind makes a restless pillow."-Charlotte Bronte
Well, ruffled hair makes an itchy pillow.

To sleep, perchance to dream...

RC, please let me sleep, this is not funny the fourth time :(. Nor was it the first. I'd much rather spend my time lying in restful reverie than watching Hamlet for three hours in a cold weekday morning. I have better things to do, though watching Gilderoy Lockhart act like a fool and prance around idiotically was fun. As "high-brow" or sophisticated Shakespearean literature is, the final scene where everyone dies is just too hilarious. We all know how this goes, Hamlet is invited to a friendly fencing match by Claudius against Laertes, seeing how the two were so adamant with the match, foul play was as obvious  as a willow among reeds (which is obvious according to Shakespeare, though literally, it is actually hard). Laertes then tells Claudius he has  poisoned the tip of his sword, so that only a scratch would kill Hamlet yet look like he died naturally; because, after all, dying in a friendly fencing match with only so much as a scratch done in by someone who made it quite clear to everyone, since the start of the movie, that he hates the living shit out of you does not warrant any suspicion or inquisition from the dozens of people in attendance which are aware of your spat with him. Claudius then assures Laertes he has a poisoned cup of wine if ever Laertes fails to wound Hamlet, since Laertes' reknown and esteemed reputation of the sword is not enough to go against a raving lunatic whose only form of martial combat within his years of existence consists of stabbing an old frail Mr. Smee trapped in a curtain (curtains are quite vicious traps). The fencing match starts, and what happens is of a very Monty Pythonesque fight. They jump and swish and slash around the whole damn court, screaming judgement from a very very confused Robin Williams, who at this point is as out of place as a willow among reeds (I will keep using this until I figure out what it means). People then realize the shit becomes real only when the two combatants swear to kill each other while messing everything up in the room, the appalling decor also angers Hamlet as much as Laertes does. Gertrude, gets Cladius' cup of wine and attempts to drink it. Claudius, showing his undying love for his wife, warns her with a simple "Ah" as he hilariously rolls his eyes, pretending he didn't do anything like a little boy. Laertes and Hamlet scratch each other with the poisoned sword, not without any gratuitous sliding around the court, before Gertrude dies of poison. Claudius lies and tells the people she had fainted, believing this to be utter bullshit, throws his sword, a tribute to Leonidas, at Claudius, pinning him to his seat and  chases down Claudius, slamming a damn chandelier at him, with cup in hand. Hamlet then, armed with his sando, suspenders, and bulging biceps, feeds Claudius by making Claudius suck his fingers which was wet with the wine, while whispering sweet nothings in Claudius' ear; Hamlet believed Claudius, who had killed his own brother, usurped the throne, and married his brother's wife, deserved the cruelest and most horrifying punishment known to him, death by homo-eroticism. Hamlet, realizing he is poisoned after being told so by a dying Laertes, chooses to die in style, assuming a position worthy of Tyra Banks. With every Danish Crown noble dead, Fortinbras and his Norwegian Soldiers casually walk inside the royal court and call it a decisive military victory. Fortinbras, seeing Hamlet dead in such a posh and alluring style, declares him to be a national hero. And they all lived happily ever after, with Denmark conquered By Norway due to the idiocy of their nobles.
With all honesty though, it was an entertaining movie. I found Kenneth Branagh's to be or not to be soliloquy to be (see what i did there?) emotional and moving. If you have any free time or just can't sleep, please give this movie a try.